Now, you sure you cool with this?
- Yeah. It'll be fun. - Well, now, honey, don't be afraid...
...to take a belt to them. Sock full of oranges ain't bad, either.
Go on, woman, I'll be fine.
Oh, and top desk drawer, underneath the scotch: pepper spray.
Hey, hey, what's the good word, doc?
- I'm teaching Debbie's class today. - Teaching...
...the perpetual end and office of all things.
- Yeah, count me in. - Excuse me?
Dream of mine, ever since Dead Poets.
Carpe diem.
If ll say no, are you gonna stand out here and do that all day?
Ain't got nothing else to do.
Oh, well, actually...
No, I got nothing else to do.
Good morning, class.
Students.
Class. Children.
Shut your ***** ****suckers...
...you little snot-nosed ****
- Doctor. - Thank you.
Now, who can tell me what a P-H--?
Who did that?
What are you doing in here?
Getting my GED, my man.
Admirable endeavor, son.
Stormy, this is fourth grade.
Fourth and fifth mixed.
How did you never graduate high school?
Well, you know how standardized testing is, like, racially biased?
Yeah. You know how you're white?
That doesn't mean I don't deserve a freaking education, okay?
Ever heard of Brown v. Board of Education?
Yes, I've heard-- - Plessy v. Ferguson?
- Yes-- - Marbury v. Madison?
Yes! Shut up!
- What are you having trouble with? - That stupid alphabet.
- Stupid. - Oh, I've got a cereal for that.
You can practice right in the bowl.
Today, we're going to continue with Ms. Love's lesson plan.
Is that the lesson plan?
Well, it was. Now it's ammo.
Bring it on, old man.
- Stupid. - Hush.
Now, I know Ms. Love doesn't put up with this nonsense, does she?
Answer the man, fat-ass.
- Captain Shanks. - No, sir.
That's right, fat-ass,
And clean the ham out of your ears next time.
- It's true. I do have ham in my ears. - Captain, that is not how we talk to--
I'm out of here. I'm gonna go eat my ear ham.
I'll see you guys later.
- Now look what you did. - What?
Probably the first exercise he's had since the cakewalk.
Right? Who's with me here, huh?
Like a ham running away from Christmas.
- Fat-ass. - That's inexcusable.
I'm gonna go find--
- What's the boy's name? - We just call him "Fatty."
- Or, "Blobbo." - What's his real name?
- Yes, you. - Fatass McBlobbicus.
That's detention for you, young lady.
- Doc? - What?
I'm gonna go find Mr. McBlobbicus.
In the meantime, pick up from yesterday's lesson.
Oh, let me be in charge.
Right in your ABC hole.
Pick up from yesterday's lesson.
Cleopatra knew what she was talking about.
Shoot, nothing like a ass' milk for making you feel like a woman.
I sure hope those little rats are behaving.
- Hell, no. We ain't gonna parlay. - Dude, you have to parlay.
Not when my siege engines are fixing to blow down the walls of your castle.
You couldn't blow your nose.
What the hell--? Heck are you doing?
- Good, come here and be my catapult. - No, don't.
- He has to parlay. - I was only gone for two minutes.
- What are you doing? - Calm down, now.
- We just picked up from yesterday. - Just what have they been studying?
- Our times tables. - We're up to the sevens.
- We're not doing Le Morte d'Arthur? - No.
I don't know where you got that.
Well, this is embarrassing.
Keep her in the road, Gawain.
Put these desks back. Put them all back.
- All right, but I win then. - You didn't even parlay.
I was fixing to fling plague-ridden corpses over your battlements.
Then we'd have seen who begged for quarter.
Desks, back.
Someone pick up that man's arm, and put the desks back.
As per written instructions from both production council's office...
...and Standards and Practices...
...I am enjoying this hookah in a drug-free way.
Damn, that's excellent.
Excellent, Nina. You may be a financial analyst someday.
Now, who can do seven times nine for me?
- Seven-- - Oh, I don't know.
But pick me.
- Captain, if you can't behave-- - No, no. Hey, shut up.
Come here a second. I got a little problem back here.
Whatever it is, it can wait.
No, I don't think it can, though.
I didn't do nothing. Just fed it, and boom.
- Darn thing keeled over. - What, this food right here?
- No, some gum. - Gum?
- And a couple of seltzer tablets. - Seltzer? You killed it.
What's the matter with Roscoe?
Hey, Doodle.
Nothing. Nothing. Roscoe's just taking a little nap.
- Dirt nap. - Regular nap.
And I think we should all take a nap, okay?
Nap time.
- He's not moving. - Doodle, go lay the hell down.
- I'm gonna go get a new scarlet ibis. - Good luck.
Well, they're awful rare.
Ain't you, buddy?
Pretty rare, yeah. How many you need?
- Just one. - One? No sweat.
Oh, thank God.
- Can you overnight that? - Overnight?
We wouldn't stay in business very long like that.
Just a second.
There you go.
Need anything else?
- No. - How about a tiny little geechie bird?
No, I'm good.
- Gary. - Nope. Maybe next time, Kenny.
Stormy. Hey, buddy.
We don't talk at nap time.
Does your mat smell like pee-pee?
Among other things.
Okay, nap time's over.
Hey, kids, look, Roscoe's alive again.
Yeah, he's fine.
- Did you tell them he was dead? - They've gotta learn...
...not to feed a bird seltzer tablets. Right, kids?
And why don't we do that?
It makes their tummies explode.
Oh, it sure does, Doodle.
- It sure does. - But now they think someone can die...
-...and then magically come back to life. - No, they don't.
Kids, who thinks somebody can die and then magically come back to life?
That's right, nobody ever dies.
- What about our mommies and daddies? - Nope, not gonna die.
- Captain, stop it. - What about my grandpa?
He's old. Not as old he's gonna be...
-...after he lives another 10,000 years. - Captain!
Even if he coughs a lot?
Every time you cough, that's just God breathing life into you.
Stop that. Stop coughing.
That's right, fill your lungs with the precious gift of eternal life.
Work it, baby.
Thank you, sir.
May I have another?
Yes, that's another one.
But they're making huge advances in cancer research every day, so--
What about heart disease?
Look, Fatass, there's a whole bunch of things that can kill you, but--
Well, how about a bird beak to the brain pan?
- Who can answer that for me? - It was for his own good.
Crawl out of his butt, Doodle.
Look, you kids don't have to worry about bad stuff like cancer.
- What about progeria? - Nature's cruelest joke.
No. You're all young and healthy, you've got many happy years to live.
What about my grandpa?
Doodle, from the way you described his cough...
...what I would do is enjoy the time you have with grandpa.
But he's still gonna live 10,000 years, right?
Yeah.
Cherish every minute of it.
- He likes trains. - Super.
Super. I mean, I don't know if it's the drug-free hookah...
...or you two fine-ass slabs of man, but, baby...
...I'm on a damn cloud.
More sizzling fajitas?
You know it, baby.
And another frosted brew-dog wouldn't kill me, either.
Yes, that would kill you.
But the odds of a killer-bee attack are about--
- Pick me. I know this. - Oh, shut up. You don't know anything.
I know you suck at Socratic method.
Kids, listen up. We're done talking about all this disease and dying.
What about heaven?
I don't think I'm allowed to talk about heaven in class.
Why not? What's wrong with heaven?
What? No, nothing. Heaven's great.
Flying around, jamming with Zevon.
- Some people have different beliefs. - Will my grandpa go to heaven?
Only if he repents his sinning ways.
Doodle, I can't really talk about this in class.
Then he's not going to heaven?
No, I'm sure he--
Look, you wanna know what I think about all of this, as a scientist?
Oh, yeah. Let's hear it, Scopes.
And don't stop until I scream.
- Jeez, sorry. - No, honey, keep going.
That was a good scream.
A bad scream is more like.
See, the maggots are just part of the circle of life.
See, the mommy fly lays her eggs in Mr. Corpse, and then they eat--
- Dude, shut up. - Nobody wants to hear that nasty mess.
Hey, I'm sorry, but this is what happens to your body when you die.
You're scaring these young'uns.
Kids, who likes my "live forever" idea?
And who likes Dr. Frankenquinn's nasty old maggot theory?
Live forever it is, then.
Okay, but let me tell you this.
Life is nasty, brutish and short.
And it doesn't come with a happy ending.
Excuse me?
Well, what part of "happy ending" don't you understand?
Now, who's up for some dodge ball?
Okay, fire it up, Stormy.
Get in there, Fatass. Mix it up.
Untie me! My eye!
What did you do to my eye?
These are brand-new eyes.
How's that for a happy ending?
Not bad, boys.
Not bad at all.
I'm not saying the earth moved or anything...
...but it definitely jiggled.
This one goes out to Nina.
[ENGLISH]